First, Lilith was too independent, then it was the serpent in the garden, then we started naming storms after women and an obstacle that blocks a sphincter is called a hernia. That's right- "her"nia! Does anyone else think this is a bit one sided? Hang on because this is going to be a rant...
Yesterday, I had another upper endoscopy. I have had so many upper endoscopies, I don't even know how many I have had. That's right, I have swallowed a camera so many times, I was surprised to wake up this last to and not remember he procedure. Someone finally got my dosage right on the anesthesia and I don't remember a thing.
Everything looks good. No mention of Barret's Esophagus. I was handed a report and full cold pictures of my esophagus and sent on my way. Could it be that the tissue on the inside of my throat no longer resembles the inside of my lower intestine. And if so, does this mean I am no longer talking our my ass?
My Hiatal Hernia is one centimeter. This made me wonder for the first time, how big are hiatal hernias? I wikipeidia'ed it and still no answer. I'm going to need to ask a doctor or spend more time n research, but I am short on time.
I have muscles to rebuild. I don't have to rebuild anything. The one thing that has been made clear to me for years is that no one expects me to do anything. Doctors don't mention exercise to me, I mention it to them. I would say that overall, I am messed up in the head (I know, this isn't news to you) because I have to motivate myself to get up, even though it hurts.
The damage is done. BUT I can regain some strength by exercise and eating right to be here longer. It's like starting over in my 20's again, without the cuteness and optimism of youth. Where do I even start on his recovery way of thinking?
I'm 43. I was supposed to be dead and I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy about that. Actually, I'm pretty excited about it. And because I'm here I'm convinced there is no such thing as a midlife crisis. It's only a crisis to those who see me deviate from their expected path and become worried I will get hurt. (Yes, I know I just made this about me, but it's my blog. It was always about me.) Now, I'm seeing myself truly off the path and I like it. It feels like a crisis because I'm in uncharted territory. But it's not really a crisis, it's about realizing what I want and going after it. I want to be able to play mini golf with my son and walk for miles. I would really like to play basketball, and pony that sneezes glitter and rainbows. I know that some of the things I want can be had. So what's stopping me? Me. So, this is me unstopping me. In a blog. (By the way I really want to thank my 5 readers. I love you guys!!!)
Look, this post started with a rant that goes nowhere. That is a pretty accurate description of my life, overall. I reach for something, then stop for some reason. I couldn't even maintain a Scleroderma reddit for corn sake! At age 43, I have to begin to follow through with my goals. Some of my goals were not achieved for health reasons. Some were not achieved simply because I chickened out, mostly because I was afraid of something. The something was usually something I created that really didn;t exist except for the power of limitation I gave it.
So now what? Honestly, I don't know where life is going to take me next. So, I'm going to put one foot in front of the other, keep my doctor's appointments, exercise, eat right, be with my son as much as I can, and choose my battles carefully. I feel like I'm just getting started.